Doubting Liz

I admit that the following reflection is not completely my own, but rather a reflection based on another blog that I just read: Feminist Theology in an Age of Fear and Hope. I love reading those women's blogs because they so often speak to the sittings in my own heart. That being said...

Today's readings are not what the Church has deemed as today's readings, but I'm reflecting on them anyway. They're subsequent reflections on the Resurrection story. The first reading is that rallying speech given by Peter to the potential converts. He really speaks from his heart, and it's one of my favorite moments for Peter because he seems to be redeeming himself after his initial betrayal. This is where we see the Peter whom the Church has raised to sainthood, the Peter who is credited with being the first Pope (depending on your interpretation, naturally.) And he's smart, too: he references David, which most likely won over tons of Jews because David was a bit of a Jewish rockstar in Old Testament scripture. And although in my previous post, I admitted to struggling with the question of numbers, I do like this passage because it reads as a positive speech to me. Yes, it ends with tons of people being "added" to the cause, but I know that it goes deeper than that. Peter sincerely hopes for the future, and he also sincerely believes that Jesus will be coming back fairly soon. Well, Jesus didn't come back, but it hasn't stopped two-thousand years of hopeful followers from spreading His message. And you know, it doesn't always have to be in the way that Peter did it. I spread Jesus' message through sacrament prep, service trips, and youth outreach. Peter spread it through riveting speeches and emotional testimonies. Different people do it different ways, and that's fine with me. Now, I worry about the extremists who use scare tactics and intimidation to spread Christianity...but that's a post for another time.

The feminist theologians got me thinking about another aspect of the readings: both the Acts reading and the Psalm (16) are really focused on strengthening faith and staying strong amidst danger and opposition. Well, that's all well and good...except the Gospel does the exact opposite! It's the story of Doubting Thomas, who insisted on seeing proof that Jesus was alive. I know of a lot of people who criticize and mock Thomas because of his lack of faith, but in reality...isn't that what the spiritual journey is all about? My theological education and personal life experience have given me the mindset that without doubt, there can be no faith. Without uncertainty, there can be no conversion and transformation. So, really, Thomas is just being honest. He's recognizing his own human limitation and admitting that he isn't so sure about the Resurrection. And to be honest, I agree with him. First century Jews did not believe in resurrection of the body (who does, anyway?) so the idea of Jesus being raised from the dead was as incredulous then as it would be today.

I like Thomas. I like him because he's real. He knows that he isn't perfect, and he isn't even the first one to admit doubt about the Resurrection. I can relate to him because my own faith life has been colored by doubt for years. I know that I am a believer in God, and that the power of Jesus to heal and change hearts is very near and dear to my heart. But there are lots of things in scripture and tradition and don't really fit into my picture of spiritual truth. Was Mary really a virgin AFTER she gave birth to Jesus? And in the grand scheme of things...does that really matter? Is transubstantiation a legitimate experience, or is it the product of faulty interpretation? How come some evangelicals argue for a literal interpretation of the Bible, but don't believe that Jesus literally became the bread and wine at the last Passover? Is Jesus really the only way to get into heaven? What is heaven, exactly? Is it possible to spend eternity without God, when God is in all things? (That's the Jesuit in me.)

See! Lots of doubts. But does that make me a bad Christian? Well, some would argue yes. But I would argue that I'm simply an educated woman living in 21st century America, and it's impossible not to have questions about a faith as ancient as Christianity. So, Doubting Thomas, fear not. I don't hate you, and neither does Jesus.

Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is the "assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see." I would love to have that faith. But since I'm not there yet, I need to just keep believing and keep trying. I have the assurance that I am deeply loved by God, and that's really the only thing I need to know right now. As for all the other questions...maybe one day they'll make sense. And then maybe I'll never figure them out. I'm really okay with it.

Peace.