My apologies for being so late in updating this. I was away for a week with my community at Interlaken, NY. We stayed at a friary right on Cayuga Lake, and had a beautiful, yet simple, week-long stay/retreat. It's something that they do with the ministry team every year, both at the beginning and the end, and I think it's a fabulous tradition. A simple change in scenery can do wonders for a team's morale, energy, and spirit. We were all given a chance to reflect upon the year: our joys, our sadnesses, our accomplishments, and the things that we could have done better. Overall, it was incredibly therapeutic for the team as a whole, as well as for me personally. I am grateful to be a part of an organization that deeply values the spiritual and personal well-being of its members. Without this attention to our own wellness, our retreats wouldn't be half as good as they have been this year.
We got home from that on Thursday of last week and then I had planned on spending a quiet weekend at home, when my best friend from Rochester surprised me out of the blue Saturday night with some interesting news that she had to tell me in person. My ex-boyfriend is getting married. My ex-boyfriend is getting married in a month. My ex-boyfriend, whom I dated less than half a year ago, is getting married in a month to a woman he started dating four months ago. Now how's THAT for news? It was shocking, to say the least. I'm not as torn up about it as one might expect, because I genuinely want him to be happy and secure, and if this woman can do this for him, then it's great. The most surprising part of it all was that my ex-boyfriend is notorious for being indecisive, wavering, and anxious about commitment. So, it's pretty out-of-character for him to get hitched four months after meeting someone, which began two weeks after breaking up with someone else. After the initial shock, it was actually kind of hilarious that this happened. Even more so, I found out about it because he invited my best friend and her boyfriend to the wedding, since he's good friends with the boyfriend. He didn't invite me, I guess, but he invited them. My best friend politely declined, but we put the boyfriend on spying duty so he can tell us all about the wedding.
At first I was a little angry with my ex because it seems pretty clear that he only broke up with me in order to start dating this other woman, which kind of sucks. Moreover, I wish he had told me that from the get go because then I wouldn't have been looking for closure and trying to discern the best time to start talking to him again. But, you know, I'm not really angry anymore. I've learned from my past relationships that holding grudges doesn't actually help anyone. I think it was Gandhi who said something like (I'm paraphrasing): "Anger and hatred are like holding hot coals in your hand...in the end, only you end up getting burned." So, I've tried to hold onto that philosophy over the last few years, knowing from experience that "it doesn't do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live." Ahh, sorry, Harry Potter, quote! I couldn't resist. ;-)
So that was my weekend. And if you could believe this, it got worse. I started feeling achy and sore in my shoulder on Sunday and when I went to the doctor on Wednesday, he diagnosed me with a mild case of shingles. SHINGLES! Really?! Like, the thing that old people get because their immunity is down? Yes, the very same. I have shingles. It's pretty funny, but also kind of painful and frustrating because it's highly contagious. Because of this, I got kicked off the island for our outreach week next week, where I would have been working with little elementary school kids at a Vacation Bible School. So, not only was I kicked off the program, but I left my partner in a lurch who now has to work with a new person and plan everything out herself. The meds I'm on (prednisone for the inflammation or Valtrex for the virus) are okay, but I have to take a lot of them and they have some not so great side effects, like nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and....oh yeah, psychosis. Luckily, apart from a headache, I haven't experienced any of these, so I'm grateful for that.
So, my ex boyfriend is getting married and I have a diseased nervous system that only happens in 80-year-olds. And I got kicked off of one of our biggest programs of the year, because my boss wants me to be rested enough to heal and go on our big mission trip in two weeks. Needless to say, it's been a long week and I'm glad I got that week of retreat in before all of this happened. It was like God planned it just like that. And indeed He probably did.
Still, though, I'm content. The past week I have been showered by generosity and care from family and friends. I mean, my best friend drove SIX HOURS just so that she could tell me the news of the engagement in person, in case I needed to vent or cry about it. And my mother took me to the doctor and got me my prescription, on her week of vacation. My community has lovingly began to refer to me as "Shingles" (think Eat, Pray, Love's parallel of "Groceries", via Richard from Texas), but it's all in jest and I do appreciate their flexibility to work around my limited contributions. I'm grateful that my diagnoses wasn't something worse, and that my parents' insurance covered the cost of the meds so that I can get better, quicker. It's in these moments of weakness, and yes, shoulder pain, that I appreciate God and the people in my life even more.
So, that's about the update that I have for all two of you who read this. Hope all is well out there in cyberland, and I'll try to write another entry more quickly than this one. I'm wishing you all sunny days and relaxing summer nights!
Peace.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
The Joy Comes With the Morning
One of my favorite traditions within Catholicism is the theology of Paschal Mystery. The idea that Christ's passion, death, and Resurrection is actually mirrored in our own lives. Just as Christ carried His cross and suffered in a tremendous way, we too carry our crosses and bear our burdens...and sometimes suffer tremendously for it. But with the dawn comes a new life, a new chance to make a change. Christ is alive, and we, too, are alive. We suffer and we weep and we go through great pain in this life, but sooner or later, we see the new day. I shamelessly quote Samwise Gamgee from the Lord of the Rings when I say, "A new day comes. And when she sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer." So, not only does the sun shine, but it shines even brighter than before because it delivers us from our deepest despair, the dark nights of our souls. What a beautiful thing.
The readings for today talk about just that. The Gospel addresses it directly, saying:
"So you also are now in anguish.
But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice,
and no one will take your joy away from you."
No one will take your joy away from you. What a powerful statement. I'm reminded of many accounts of Jewish prisoners kept in concentration camps, who, despite unbelievable circumstances, managed to survive and share their courage and faith with others. They were stripped of everything: their families, their friends, their homes, their clothing, their food...and yet, they survived. I don't know how they did it, but some of them seemed to have that spark, that something that kept them alive. It's unbelievable what people can live through. This passage reminds me of their strength.
I often worry about losing all of my money. As a volunteer and a recent college graduate, I don't have a lot of money. In fact, if I was supporting myself, I would literally go bankrupt. That's an intensely scary reality. Next year, I have to pay for my rent, my groceries, my gas, my books, and the built-in costs for living in a bustling city. In short, I'm terrified. I have a job and it's going to pay me enough to cover my rent, so I'm grateful for that. But what happens when I run out of grocery money, or my car needs a repair? These are the things that keep me up at night, because I don't have a savings account. I don't have a rich uncle who can buy me anything my heart desires (does anyone really have those?). I just don't have a lot of back-up resources besides the good hearts of my parents, and I don't want to rely on them too much because they don't have a lot of money, either. They're putting my sister through college, now, too. In short, money causes a ton of stress...stress that I don't really want at this juncture in my life.
But this passage somehow gives me peace. It reminds me that no matter what hardships I'm going to face, God will be with me through it. God will be waiting on the other side of it, wherever that ends up. And God will provide for me. That's a scary thing to trust in, and I'll admit that I don't believe it very often. God isn't going to rain down thousands of dollars or make Citibank forget that I owe them $25,000. But somehow, God will provide.
God tells us not to be afraid. It sounds easy, but we all know it's nearly impossible. My best friend told me yesterday that she needed to undergo neurological testing because they were afraid that she may have the beginnings of MS. My best friend. The other half of my heart. Understandably, I was afraid for her. And for her boyfriend. And for me. I was just afraid. And then she tells me today that the lab tests were incorrect in their assumptions and that she simply has a sensitivity to certain noises. Her brain stem is fine. She doesn't have a neurological disease. I felt like I could breathe again. But millions of people aren't as lucky as my best friend, so I offered a prayer for them and their families. Fear is a very real thing, and it shouldn't be underestimated. I don't agree with people who just say that fear is an irrational psychosis that has no place in rational thought. I think fear is very real, and often enough, very justified. But we need to know how to deal with our fear in a manner that doesn't suffocate us. We need to let our hope mix with our fear, otherwise...we're lost.
So, I'm probably going to continue to worry about money. I can't help it. It's a very real fear. But I know in my heart that at the end of the day, God is there with me. And God will always provide for me, whether that's through an education or a job or generous parents who put themselves in financial burden just so that I can have a roof over my head. God is good all the time, and that's something that's worth remembering. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Peace.
The readings for today talk about just that. The Gospel addresses it directly, saying:
"So you also are now in anguish.
But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice,
and no one will take your joy away from you."
No one will take your joy away from you. What a powerful statement. I'm reminded of many accounts of Jewish prisoners kept in concentration camps, who, despite unbelievable circumstances, managed to survive and share their courage and faith with others. They were stripped of everything: their families, their friends, their homes, their clothing, their food...and yet, they survived. I don't know how they did it, but some of them seemed to have that spark, that something that kept them alive. It's unbelievable what people can live through. This passage reminds me of their strength.
I often worry about losing all of my money. As a volunteer and a recent college graduate, I don't have a lot of money. In fact, if I was supporting myself, I would literally go bankrupt. That's an intensely scary reality. Next year, I have to pay for my rent, my groceries, my gas, my books, and the built-in costs for living in a bustling city. In short, I'm terrified. I have a job and it's going to pay me enough to cover my rent, so I'm grateful for that. But what happens when I run out of grocery money, or my car needs a repair? These are the things that keep me up at night, because I don't have a savings account. I don't have a rich uncle who can buy me anything my heart desires (does anyone really have those?). I just don't have a lot of back-up resources besides the good hearts of my parents, and I don't want to rely on them too much because they don't have a lot of money, either. They're putting my sister through college, now, too. In short, money causes a ton of stress...stress that I don't really want at this juncture in my life.
But this passage somehow gives me peace. It reminds me that no matter what hardships I'm going to face, God will be with me through it. God will be waiting on the other side of it, wherever that ends up. And God will provide for me. That's a scary thing to trust in, and I'll admit that I don't believe it very often. God isn't going to rain down thousands of dollars or make Citibank forget that I owe them $25,000. But somehow, God will provide.
God tells us not to be afraid. It sounds easy, but we all know it's nearly impossible. My best friend told me yesterday that she needed to undergo neurological testing because they were afraid that she may have the beginnings of MS. My best friend. The other half of my heart. Understandably, I was afraid for her. And for her boyfriend. And for me. I was just afraid. And then she tells me today that the lab tests were incorrect in their assumptions and that she simply has a sensitivity to certain noises. Her brain stem is fine. She doesn't have a neurological disease. I felt like I could breathe again. But millions of people aren't as lucky as my best friend, so I offered a prayer for them and their families. Fear is a very real thing, and it shouldn't be underestimated. I don't agree with people who just say that fear is an irrational psychosis that has no place in rational thought. I think fear is very real, and often enough, very justified. But we need to know how to deal with our fear in a manner that doesn't suffocate us. We need to let our hope mix with our fear, otherwise...we're lost.
So, I'm probably going to continue to worry about money. I can't help it. It's a very real fear. But I know in my heart that at the end of the day, God is there with me. And God will always provide for me, whether that's through an education or a job or generous parents who put themselves in financial burden just so that I can have a roof over my head. God is good all the time, and that's something that's worth remembering. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)