Hello, blog world. I apologize that I haven't been updating this as frequently as I wanted to this summer, but my days have gotten away with me because of social plans and traveling and sheer laziness. Since I've been home, I've seen three theatrical productions (one of which on Broadway!), I've traveled to Rochester to see my best friend and to Nazareth, PA to see another friend from college, and I've attempted to clean out the bowels of my room, which has proved to be about 80% unsuccessful. But, things have been good.
I was just going through my old facebook messages and cleaning them out, only to realize that I accidentally deleted my favorite conversation thread: the one that all of my best friends from college have been commenting on since May 2010. I tried everything, but I just can't get it back. I looked at that thread all year, whenever I needed a pick-me-up or encouragement about my ministry, or when i just wanted a good laugh or a reminder of my memories of college. And now that entire thread is deleted. Needless to say, I was upset. I think what upset me more than anything else was the fact that it was really one of my only ongoing ties to my life at college. It was the only conversation that I was having with my friends, and it was a way for everyone to still be involved in everyone else's lives. Now, my friends can copy and paste the entire thread to me if I really want them to, so it's not the end of the world. But I think it's more upsetting because it's one more thing that separates me from my past memories.
Now, I'm going to be introspective, because this is my blog, so I can. Why do we, as humans, generally fear the idea of forgetting things? I know that for me, I've always feared forgetting memories, feelings, and experiences. When I graduated from college last year, I was so worried about forgetting how I felt at the peak of my Bonnies experience: the ups as well as the downs. I wanted to immortalize those memories, keep them locked away forever so that I could just take a look at them and re-live them at any point. Actually, what I really wanted was a pensieve. Damn you, JK Rowling. But why do we fear forgetfulness? Because really, now that I'm a year out of college, it's okay that it's not so fresh to me anymore. I have great memories of my years there, and there is a part of my heart that will always belong there. But it's okay if I don't remember every single Friday night wine party with my girlfriends, or the beautiful homilies given by fantastic friars. I can't really remember a whole lot of specifics, but I'm at the point now where that's okay. I remember my memories as good things that were life-giving and special to me, and that's good enough for now.
I think that we get so caught up in our memories that we often forget to enjoy the present, or the future. One thing that I had to learn this year is that God is in the present moment. God was obviously very present in my experiences of college, and God was present in my experiences in ministry. This is part of the reason why it's painful to say goodbye to those things...but we must always remember that God is with us NOW! When we say goodbye to a place or a person or a lifestyle, we aren't saying goodbye to the work and manifestation of God. We're just saying goodbye to that particular experience. If I didn't let go of my high school ministry experience, I would have never been open to the workings of the Spirit in college, and then I wouldn't have heard the call to do ministry. So it's really a good thing to say goodbye to the old and usher in the new. It may not always seem like a good thing, and Lord knows it's rarely easy, but it's good for us.
I'm moving to Boston in three weeks. That's a scary thing. I know in my heart that it's a really good thing and that I will settle in and love living there. But my head is so full of logistical crap that I'm having a hard time being excited for it. But something I've come to terms to is this: suck it up. Life isn't easy, transition isn't easy, and moving isn't easy. There will be many things in the next month that will be annoying and challenging and scary. But there will be an abundance of things that will be beautiful and amazing and awesome, and for those things, I am waiting in gleeful anticipation.
This is the next step, and God is calling me to it. So what if I don't actually have a key to my apartment yet and I haven't registered for classes and I'm not even really sure where my new apartment IS? It's all gonna be fine. Thomas Merton once said (I'm paraphrasing) that even though he didn't know the road in front of him, he rested securely knowing that God was right there with him. So, let's go, God. I'm ready.
Peace.
