I have a confession to make.
I'm not the most traditional person when it comes to religion. Yes, I was raised as a Christian, and yes, I still consider myself one. But these days, I'm realizing more and more that my spirituality doesn't really fit into a prescribed definition that one tradition tells me is true. I find great value in my Catholic faith, and I also find it in my Protestant roots.
I like how Catholicism focuses so much on community, and how we are strengthened by one another, both emotionally and spiritually. I like how Catholicism has a rich history and always seeks to broaden and learn from past mistakes (sometimes.) I like how Catholicism appreciates the reverence in worshiping God, and how the simplicity of a lit candle in a dark sanctuary is sometimes all you need to have a transcendent experience. And I like how Catholicism is expressed differently with different cultures and different religious orders, because it seems to make room for people while also respecting their culture and way of life. It's something that many Protestant missionaries historically have not always done. Lastly, and probably most importantly, I love how Catholics (specifically, Franciscans) emphasize the inherent GOODNESS of the person. I find the Protestant view that humans are generally flawed pretty bothersome because I don't see anything that God has created as inherently sinful. How could the actions of two people, Adam and Eve, traditionally, affect the status of people's hearts and souls for the duration of the world? It just doesn't make sense to me. If God continually makes all things new and has infinite love and mercy, aren't we also created in that image and exhibit some of those inherently good characteristics? Alas, I digress.
There are lots of things I like about Protestants, too. I like how their faith in Jesus is so excited that they don't let anything else distract them...like traditions or regulations or extensive doctrine or what role the Saints have in their faith (I could go on). I like how they do youth ministry, and how they aren't afraid to get in the trenches and do very difficult evangelization...whereas many Catholics get very nervous with even the term itself. I like that they focus on a personal relationship with Jesus, and how scriptural authority reigns supreme over any proclamation that a council could make. On a lighter note, I love how they can form committees faster than a jackrabbit. There's a problem in the church? Form a committee! We need to raise money for a summer mission trip? Form a committee! There's a new family in town? Form a committee! And make a plate of cookies. Hospitality at its finest. On the flip side, the bureaucracy can also get in the way of making real change and can create some red tape, but for the most part, it creates a church that works like a well-oiled machine.
So, because of this, I'm kind of a spiritual mutt. I identify with Catholicism very strongly in some settings, but I do the same thing with Protestantism in other settings. It seems like as soon as I'm immersed in an entirely "Catholic or Bust" environment, I cling to my Protestant sensibilities. And as soon as I'm with a bunch of Protestants who bash Catholics, I find myself wanting to run out of the room screaming. So, what's a girl to do? Who knows.
But, you know, it's really alright. Really. Some people would go crazy at the dilemma of not knowing their own spiritual convictions, but I'm okay with it. I've spent this entire year learning to be okay with it. Most importantly, just because I'm a little confused right now does not mean that I'll be confused forever. God reveals God's Self in so many diverse ways throughout the world and within one's life...and that it something that I DO believe very strongly. So what if I don't understand the fullness of God's self-disclosure with humanity? I'm almost 150% sure that I'm not supposed to know that kind of stuff. So what if I don't understand Jesus' presence in the Eucharist, or which parts of the Bible can be taken literally and which parts should be more of a metaphor? I know that I have a degree in Theology, but all that tells me is that I am a person of questions learning from someone who has spent many more years asking those questions...and maybe wrote a book or two about it. I look forward to learning more Theology in the future, but I have no interest in finding answers, or proving one traditon's truth over another. After awhile, we all look pretty foolish, anyway.
So, I'm content with the search. Maybe that makes me a relativist, but I don't think it does. I just think it means that I recognize my own limited knowledge, and that I am yielding enough to God so that God can take over. I'm reminded of a part in "Eat Pray Love" when Richard from Texas tells Liz that if she only just got rid of all the stuff in her head, she would have so much room for the Spirit to rush in, for the universe to rush in, for God to rush in.
I'm ready, God. Let's go.
Peace.
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